Daily Struggles

June 28 2023

Why is it so hard for my child to shift tasks?

Shifting expectations, switching tasks, revising plans, and adjusting to new people comes with added difficulty for children and teens with ADHD. Here’s how to handle it like a pro.

“You’re making no sense. You promised me I could take the car, and now you’re saying I’m not allowed to drive it just because I came home a HALF HOUR late!”

Shifting tasks, here’s why it’s hard

This scenario can play out with any teen, but with ADHD teens, it’s more common due to difficulties with “shifting.” Shifting is a hot executive function. It’s the ability to think flexibly, see things in different ways and revise plans when needed.

Hot executive functions take place at the prefrontal cortex of the brain, and in teens and children with ADHD, that part of the brain is often wired differently and slower to develop. The result? Instead of “rolling with the punches,” your child may have above-average difficulty with:

Change of plans without warning or preparation
Accepting solutions that others offer, they prefer their own way of solving problems
Adapting to new people, places, and situations

Let’s reduce the berserk:

To introduce greater flexibility, we recommend increasing situational predictability. Here’s how:

Increase situational predictability.

Create a situation where your child feels comfortable with the rules and knows what to expect. This will increase your child’s feeling of predictability and reduce their need to shift. With teens, this may involve advanced mapping out their freedoms and reducing guesswork. For example, “You can stay out till 9 pm during the week unless you have a test the next day.” Or “You can borrow the car while I’m at work, but only for school-related errands. If you’d like to use the car to go out with friends, you need to check in with me first”.

Laying out a very clear framework of the rules, and their exceptions, will help your teen make their own decisions within the system you’ve provided. You’ll also gently teach them the principles of responsible decision-making.

Sometimes a change in pattern can’t be avoided. And then the question becomes, how can you gently help your child “shift”? We recommend staging a dress rehearsal of the anxiety-provoking event. Here’s what it looks like.

Design dress rehearsals.

Your six-year-old daughter is used to a set schedule of 3 pm pickup from school, followed by an afternoon activity, dinner, bath, and bed. But this week, there’s a party and it’s making her anxious!

To ease emotional stress, we recommend gently going over what to expect. Start by prepping her for the change in schedule “Remember, this Thursday, Daddy is going to pick you up and take you to Lara’s house for her birthday party.” Then prep your child on what to expect “There will be a clown there. There’s yummy pizza for dinner and probably ice cream cake for dessert”. Discuss together how to manage possible hurdles “If you’re thirsty, you can always ask Lara’s mom for a glass of water or juice. If you need the bathroom, don’t be embarrassed to ask where it is.”

Shifting, like any of the executive functions, can be taught. As time goes on and your child gains mastery of new skills, the old issues should fizzle out. But as a parent, it’s important to remember that your child needs support in that area. The trick to overcoming it is patience, wisdom, guidance, and love.

Summary:

Shifting plans or adjusting to situational changes is hard for children and teens with ADHD.
Creating situational predictability by establishing set rules and routines can help reduce the need for shifting and ease frustrations.
‘Dress rehearsing’ changes in schedule that cause anxiety can help reduce your child’s tension.

Join Pery to receive more insightful tips like those in the blog, all tailored to fit your family’s unique needs. We’ll not only equip you with personalized practical tools but also help you understand your child’s specific ADHD nuances and impact, guiding you every step of the way in nurturing their growth.

June 22 2023

Memory Hacks: Here’s how to help your child remember important tasks.

All Posts, Daily Struggles, Parenting

James enters a room and then forgets what he wanted. He starts eating dinner, gets distracted midway by a text, and forgets he was eating. These behaviors are common among children with ADHD. Here’s what you, as a parent, need to know.

James heads up the stairs each morning. James tries to put on his socks and shoes, but he can’t find them. Sometimes James forgets he took his shoes off by the tub the night before. Sometimes James doesn’t think to look in the shoe bin where his father has put them away for him. Sometimes, on rare occasions, James finds his shoes only to realize he forgot to bring up his socks. “Magic” is how James’s mother thinks of the days when James heads up the stairs, socks in hand, and knows where to find his shoes.

Sound familiar? James isn’t to blame. It’s a working memory issue.

Working memory is a part of our greater executive functioning, or the system that allows us to control our thoughts, emotions, and actions to achieve greater goals. Specifically, it is a cold executive function. It is not based on “warm” emotions but rather on “cold” or purely cognitive thought.

Children with ADHD have difficulties with working memory. It’s hard for them to temporarily hold and manipulate information in their minds to carry out tasks. While a neurotypical child may be able to hold 4-5 functions or tasks in their working memory, a child with ADHD in the same circumstances may only be able to fit 2-3. And shoes or socks may not be it!

You can’t “fix” an impaired working memory, but you can help alleviate the overload.

[5 fixes] Working memory magic

Colorful signs – Signs are great for remembering daily tasks. After watching my daughter forget her lunch one too many times in our house, I drew a big colorful sign for the front door –”Did you take your lunch?” She hasn’t forgotten it since! We also have a “towel sign” to prevent forgetfulness before entering the shower. If your child doesn’t read yet, you can draw one with pictures.

Ritual & routine – Daily and weekly routines help compensate for working memory loss by embedding the chain of items your child needs to recall in their brain. For example, if hockey practice starts at 5:30 pm, create an afternoon routine with your child. 4:00, eat a healthy snack, or you’ll be hungry. 4:45, change clothes and gather equipment. 5:00 pm, we must be out the door, or we will be late. This leaves little room for improvising or forgetfulness.

Lists & stickies – Lists help your child track a task as they go. Packing a school bag? Write out on a sticky what items must go in daily, and have your child check them off as they go. Even if they detour to the kitchen mid-way, they’ll know where they left off. Prepping for an overnight trip? Organizing a pool bag? Create a list together, and then let your child run solo, checking off the items as they pack them.

“The box” – Dedicated boxes are great for organizing weekly sporting and activity supplies. Little league on Sundays? Create a box with your child’s baseball glove, baseball, and a reminder (or picture) to pack a water bottle. Then each week, let them get the items out for practice. Help them remember to return the items to the box when done so it’s there waiting for them next week.

Apps & timers – Apps work well for teenage kids and timers for younger ones. Instead of utilizing the working memory room in the brain, the app or timer provides an external reminder. In our house, I’ve used timers to remind a child there are ten minutes of screen time left till homework begins or that they need to unload the dishwasher in five minutes. My children much prefer it to being nagged, and so do I!

Summary

Working memory is part of our cold executive functioning. It’s the ability to temporarily hold and manipulate information in our minds to carry out tasks.
Children with ADHD have more limited working memory. This means they can hold fewer thoughts or ideas in their head at the same time.
Rituals, lists, and signs are all great workarounds for storing information that may otherwise not fit into your child’s working memory.

June 22 2023

Where did my sweatshirt go? 5 tips to get your ADHD child get organized

All Posts, Daily Struggles, Parenting

“My 10-year-old is an A+ student, and it comes naturally to her. She’s brilliant. Yet every time the teacher assigns weekly homework, she gets overwhelmed and cries.” Sound familiar? Here’s why.

“My teenage son has lost six sweatshirts this year. No matter how much I’ve told him to keep track of his stuff, they seem to vanish into a time warp.”

“My 7-year-old loves reading. But I can’t show my face at the library anymore. Each time we take home books, he loses them. Months later, I’ll find one in the strangest spot.”

If any of these sound familiar, join the ADHD parent club. It can be frustrating to parent a disorganized child, but it’s equally frustrating to be disorganized. And it’s not your child’s fault. Children with ADHD have difficulty with their executive functioning or their ability to plan, organize, set goals, prioritize, and problem-solve. When we discuss organizing, we’re talking about more than just keeping your child’s room clean. We’re talking about organizing information in their brain.

“Organization” is a cold executive function, meaning, it is purely cognitive. It includes our brain’s ability to organize thoughts and materials and prioritize tasks. In children with ADHD, because their executive functioning may be slower to develop, they often experience being “overwhelmed,” making it even more difficult to be organized.

As a parent, help support your child by teaching them to reduce challenges and make their environment more ADHD-friendly.

Diagnose & solve. Each kid runs into specific organizational challenges. But we, as busy parents, tend to get frustrated rather than fix. Instead, take note of which challenges reoccur most in your house. Think about “why” those specific issues are cropping up. Get creative about how to solve them. Remember to peg the recurring issues as life evolves and new problems appear. Take notice of those triggers and solve, rather than defaulting to the more common frustration response.
Dialogue. Prioritization needs to be taught, and dialogue is the best way. For example, if your child comes home with overwhelming homework, teach them to prioritize urgency by mapping how long each task takes, when it needs to be completed, and how important it is. Wait for their input. Prioritize together, and help them organize their thoughts.
Mantras – “Knapsack, water, sweatshirt,” knapsack, water, sweatshirt”. Mantras work wonders for helping remember a list of essential items. If your child keeps returning without critical items, teach them a mantra to recite at the end of the day. It gives them an easy mechanism for checking if they have what they need and looking for the missing item if necessary.
Declutter. A highly effective way to support your child’s organizational difficulties is to get rid of things that get in their way. Decluttering the areas your child needs helps. Sandals hidden amongst the rain boots? Move them to storage. Pencils and erasers lost amidst a sea of dried-out magic markers? Chuck the junk to give your child straightforward access to needed homework materials.
Personalize it. There’s nothing like having a dedicated space with your name on it. It makes you want to use it. It also keeps your stuff from getting intertwined with those of other family members. Create dedicated name tags with hooks for all your family members. It’s more enticing for kids. It also eliminates the confusion of multiple sweatshirts and coats piled one on top of the other.

Unlock a wealth of invaluable insights and techniques to support your child in mastering cold executive functions. Elevate your own skills as a parent and empower your child to conquer tasks with confidence and proficiency.

Summary

“Organization” is a cold executive function that children with ADHD struggle with.
Due to how the ADHD brain works, it is hard for them to keep track of items and prioritize tasks. They commonly feel overwhelmed.
Support your child by creating an ADHD-friendly environment. Diagnose problems and declutter spaces to reduce organizational difficulties. Map out tasks to teach prioritization.

June 22 2023

Planning. It’s complex. It’s not ADHD friendly. It can be taught. Here’s how:

All Posts, Daily Struggles, Parenting

“We’re late, we’re late, we’re late” is a common refrain heard if you have a child with ADHD. Why? Executive functioning, or more specifically, difficulty planning. Here’s what you need to know.

Sometimes I feel like a parrot. “We need to leave. Let’s go. Out the door. Please…” “Did you unload the dishwasher? Do you remember I asked you to do it 10 minutes ago?” “We’re late for guitar lessons. Just like last week. What do you think we can do differently next time?”

All of the above have a common thread. They reflect Oliver’s difficulty with planning and his mom’s frustration in dealing with it.

Planning is the ability to consider many details and circumstances and put them together into a plan (long or short-term). In a five-year-old, this may include remembering to ask mom for an extra snack in their lunch tomorrow because they were hungry at school yesterday. For nine-year-old Oliver, it requires organizing his afternoon so that he finishes his English homework, unloads the dishwasher, squeezes in a dose of Netflix, and is ready to leave for guitar lessons, on time.

The executive functioning steps involved in planning are complex and require more brain connections and coordination between networks than other cognitive tasks. For children (and adults) with ADHD, however, planning is a lot more difficult due to how their brains are wired. Instead, they tend to have a ‘time blindness’. They often have:

“Worry about that later” attitude, and focus on the “now”
Difficulty calculating what’s involved in a task or how long that task might take
Don’t concentrate easily on activities like mapping out a schedule
Tendency not to take the time to think through the details of things

Patience. It’s natural to get frustrated with your child when they constantly make you late. It doesn’t help, though. Once you understand that they are at a biological disadvantage, the key is to first adopt an attitude of patience. Patience is what you will need to help them learn. It’s what you, as a parent, need to teach effectively.

Chunk up tasks. Try chunking up tasks using the following: MAP, PLAN, ESTIMATE, and ASSIGN. Suppose the school science fair is in a month. Work together with your child on mapping out their project timeline. Plan the various steps involved: Picking a project, buying supplies, conducting the experiment, and writing it up. Then estimate how long each of the steps will take. Lastly, work with your child to assign dates for each step.

Observe time. Give your child a better understanding of time by ‘clocking’ everyday tasks that result in them being late. For example, if your child is perpetually late for piano practice because they didn’t finish eating, experiment together. ‘Clock’ how long an unhurried afternoon snack takes. Then help your child estimate when they would need to start their snack to be on time for practice.

Get a watch. If your child doesn’t have a wristwatch, get them one. In younger children with ADHD, this is a great way to start fostering an awareness of time. In older kids, a watch is beneficial when you want a child to be aware of the passing time, but you don’t want them distracted by checking their cell phone.

Summary:

Planning is hard for children (and adults) with ADHD because they tend to have blindness towards time.
You can’t “fix” their difficulty with planning, but you can help them cultivate strategies and tools that will make them better planners.
Try teaching your child to be more aware of time by ‘clocking’ tasks, getting them a watch, and chunking up complex tasks.

June 19 2023

On no! Doodles on the Wall. How can I curb my child’s impulsivity?

All Posts, Daily Struggles, Parenting

Grabbing action figures. Incessant interrupting. Pulling hair. Hitting. These are all impulsive behaviors. If your child has ADHD, here’s how you can help curb them.

All children, at their core, want to do good. If you’re the mom of a child with ADHD, however, you may have noticed some “tricky” things getting in the way. The need to play with that Barbie, NOW —”Oops, I didn’t mean to grab it!” The desire to pull all the labels off the crayons – “How did that happen”? The green slime on your newly upholstered couch –”That wasn’t me. I promise. It was just…there!”

As a mother, it can be maddening. But if these types of incidents are common in your house, it’s essential to realize that your child may be struggling with impulsivity.

Impulsivity is “an action without foresight.” It’s also one of the hot executive functions, activities controlled by the brain in the prefrontal cortex, that ADHD children have trouble regulating. That’s a biological factor.

So what’s a frustrated mom to do? The key is slowly teaching and motivating the right behaviors while curbing the wrong ones. Here’s how:

1. Raise awareness. Say, for example, your child interrupts you mid-conversation. Calmly point out to them that you were speaking, and explain how when a person speaks, they need to wait because (insert your preferred reason). This method is effective because kids must first be aware that they are behaving impulsively to manage impulsive behaviors.

2. Problem solve. Impulsive responses are often an ADHD brain’s first response to a potentially challenging or tempting environmental occurrence. Instead of saying, “No, we don’t steal Dragon Ball Z cards,” teach your child how to problem solve. “You wanted a Goku card?” “How else might you have gone about getting it?” Hear their idea. Chart them. Run through which could be better options and which are great responses!

3. Alternative satisfaction. Is your child prone to kicking or punching? Encourage them to take their aggression out in other ways. Bite a pillow. Kick a ball. Punch a punching bag. It will help satisfy their urge without causing problems, and it works!

4. Self-script. Create helpful dialogues to correct problematic behaviors. If your child has difficulty not jumping on the couch, try “No jumping on the couch, yes rolling on the carpet,” or “No jumping on the couch, yes jumping on one leg to the fridge and back.” Then practice that alternative dialogue together next time the situation arises.

5. Private gestures. Some parents prefer creating private gestures. They serve as a reminder to avoid a problem without embarrassing your child. For example, your child tends to put their feet on the table. Discuss the situation, and agree on a sign, like pointing downward. Next time you’re eating family dinner and the feet start to go up, point downward with a quick and gentle reminder.

6. Immediate consequence. Dangerous, hurtful, or inappropriate behaviors call for quick and immediate responses. Keep punishments short and appropriate, but let them remind your child that he is responsible for his behavior. Dinnertime tantrums can mean dismissal from the table without dessert. Keep punishments brief but allow them to communicate to your child that they are responsible for controlling their behavior.

7. Praise patience. Reward good behavior with praise or a special prize. This is especially important for children with ADHD, who get a lot of negative attention for misconduct. If your child works well with physical rewards, try encouraging positive behavior with a night of backyard camping together, a boost in allowance, sugar cookie baking, extra screen time, etc. Get creative. The better the reward, the greater the impetus to fight the impulse.

Summary

Struggles with impulsivity are common among children with ADHD due to how their brains are wired.
Teach appropriate behavior by running through alternative responses to upsetting situations, providing prompts and gestures, and integrating praise.
Curb bad behavior by making your child aware of why their behavior was inappropriate, providing immediate consequences, and offering alternative outlets.

June 19 2023

Less ADHD meltdowns? Yes, please!

All Posts, Daily Struggles, Parenting

Are nuclear meltdowns familiar in your household? Did you get another call from your child’s teacher, and it wasn’t the good kind? Here’s what you need to know about emotional regulation and ADHD.

“I hate you. You always do that!” “Oh my god, oh my god, Fruity Pebbles are my favorite! You’re the best. Mom. Ever.” Feels like an emotional storm? That’s because it can be. Children and teens with ADHD tend to have difficulties with hot executive functioning.

Hot executive functioning refers to making decisions that require regulating emotions, resisting temptation, or delaying gratification. Children and teens with ADHD may feel things more intensely and have difficulty in those areas. The result? Frustration, anger, overwhelming feelings, or outbursts. It’s not that your child is not aware these are undesired behaviors. They literally have a hard time helping it.

So how can you, as a parent, avoid the next nuclear meltdown?

Minimize the events causing frustration
Provide helpful ADHD guideposts

Minimizing frustrations

One of the best ways to curb heightened emotions is to forecast the issues that cause frustration and try to reduce them. The goal is to work towards increased tolerance gradually.

For example, children with ADHD often have difficulty with unplanned schedule changes. To avoid frustration:

Stick to general daily routines
Provide 5-minute prompts as reminders before transitioning activities
Draw a calendar documenting upcoming events
Mentally walk your child through unscheduled, last-minute changes and discuss any anxiety that arises

As you reduce the number of challenging ADHD scenarios for your child, the negative behaviors should gradually decrease.

Provide ADHD guideposts

Another tactic to avoid rising frustrations is to provide behavioral tools to help your child navigate the trickier parts of their day before they end in a frustrated blow up.

For example, if your child has difficulty initiating unpleasant tasks such as completing homework, address the difficulty by providing helpful parental structure, tools, and support.

Create a clear schedule of afternoon leisure and work time
Limit screen time if it’s getting in the way
Provide a structure of accountability (have a grown-up check in on them)
Create a rewards structure to improve task motivation

Providing them with tools and coping mechanisms to manage their ADHD-challenged areas makes them less likely to feel bottled-up frustration. Instead, they’ll gradually learn how to compensate for problem areas.

Summary

ADHD children and teens are prone to emotional outbursts due to increased emotional sensitivity.
As a parent, you can help minimize the outbursts by reducing situations that may trigger an explosion and by teaching emotional flexibility.
Regulating emotions is a process. It will gradually improve over time, but it requires patience and modeling of how to cope with ADHD stressful situations.

June 15 2023

Cold Executive Functioning: ADHD traffic control gone haywire

All Posts, Daily Struggles, Parenting

Kids with ADHD often appear scatterbrained. They’re late. They can’t find their things. But they’re also super smart. So what’s going on? Cold executive functioning. Get the lowdown.

Picture you’re at the airport. You work in the traffic control department —incoming Boeing 777. Make way on runway four. Incoming Dreamliner. All clear on runway 6. Prep for takeoff on runway three. Wait, delay on runway seven! RED ALERT. RED ALERT. A collision is about to occur on runway three!!

Suppose we’re not talking about planes. Suppose we’re talking about everyday tasks.

Morning task collision! Heard in ADHD homes across the US

You put on your favorite jean shirt and cotton pants. Brush your teeth. Oh, wait, you forgot to pack your gym jersey. Hey, there’s the missing library book you were looking for, hiding in your closet. Where did you leave off reading? RED ALERT. RED ALERT. Mom’s screaming, “Time to go.” But you still need to finish getting dressed!

We can all agree that running an airport runway is tough. It requires strong mental flexibility. Organizing the details of all flights, planning, and scheduling inbound and outbound traffic. It also requires a solid working memory to monitor simultaneous and unforeseen events. Weather changes? Airplane malfunctions? The airport controller needs to be able to keep many details in mind and compensate or adjust the schedule quickly.

On a much smaller scale, the same skill set is utilized to prepare and get out the door each morning. It’s called executive functioning and can be equally challenging, if not tougher, for a child with ADHD. Executive functioning skills are the mental processes that enable us to hold onto and work with information, filter distractions, and switch gears.

What are cold executive functions?

The scenarios above refer specifically to cold executive or purely cognitive functions. They include our rational, analytical abilities in three areas:

Working memory
Planning
Organizing

Here’s an overview of each area.

1. Working memory. Working memory is our ability to hold and manipulate
information in our minds to carry out tasks. Imagine your child is solving a math problem that involves multiple steps. Working memory allows them to hold and manipulate the relevant information in their mind throughout the process. While a neurotypical child can simultaneously hold 4-5 functions in their working memory, a child with ADHD may only hold 2-3. This makes accommodating new incoming information much harder! You, therefore, might see some of the common ADHD difficulties in your home:

Entering a room and forgetting why you’re there
Difficulty following multi-step instructions
Misplacing daily necessities, like socks, shoes, etc.

2. Organization. Organizing our thoughts and resources and prioritizing tasks to complete our goal. Because ADHD children have added difficulty with organization, it’s often hard for them to:

Prioritize tasks so that tomorrow’s homework gets done before next week’s report
Track essential items, like sweatshirts, socks, and shoes,
Pack for the day, i.e., bring the right school books, lunch, a coat, etc.

3. Planning. Planning refers to our ability to consider many details and circumstances and combine them into a plan (long or short-term). Planning requires more brain connections and networks than other cognitive tasks and is particularly difficult for children with ADHD. It also requires an inherent sense of time, which ADHD children struggle with. It’s hard for them to:

Estimate how long a task takes, i.e., I’ll take the dog for a quick walk. BRB
Finish tasks on time without getting distracted or delayed
Plan how to spend a bunch of free time, i.e., figure out what to do after school

So where does that leave me as a parent?

If there’s one takeaway you should walk away with, it’s that it’s not your child’s fault. They aren’t being careless or not listening. Their brain is wired differently. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix. But there are many ways you can support your child. By using helpful memory strategies and accommodations, kids with ADHD can overcome challenges and improve their short-term memory abilities. That’s what Pery is here for. Navigating the daily challenges, avoiding the common ADHD pitfalls, and guiding you as you go.

Check out the many articles we’ve written on cold and hot executive functions for practical tips and how-to’s.

Summary:

Cold executive functioning refers to our cognitive ability to hold onto and work with information, filter out distractions, and switch gears.
Children with ADHD have increased difficulty in these areas because their brains are wired differently.
If your child has difficulty with their cold executive functioning, they’re not doing it to be difficult. They need your help growing that skill. As a parent, you’re just the right person to help.

June 15 2023

Wired to the extreme: What was my teenager (NOT) thinking?

All Posts, Daily Struggles, Parenting

Nicely asking for an Oreo (instead of grabbing it), or turning off The Simpsons, and heading to bed on time are not just wise decisions. They are actually hot executive functions. Here’s how that decision-making process differs in an ADHD brain.

While most teens struggle with wise decisions making, teens with ADHD are up against an additional force. Dysregulated emotional executive functioning.

Hot executive functioning defined

Hot executive decision-making involves resisting gratification. For example, “I really want to play Minecraft now, NOT at 5 P.M. when my dad says I’m allowed.” Or “I want to keep eating these Skittles, Twinkies, or Pringles. Who gives a thought about feeling gross later.” ADHD teens have an additional struggle resisting emotional temptation and seeing the greater consequence of their actions.

The flip side of this, however, is that teens with ADHD are heavily emotion based and therefore respond increasingly well to motivational rewards. “If I do my math homework, my dad lets me watch Wednesday, so I’m going to do it.”

The ADHD science behind it.

The part of the brain responsible for making these reward-based decisions is the prefrontal cortex. It is the last part of the brain to develop. The average person’s prefrontal cortex completes development at around age 25. The average ADHD brain completes development up to 25% later. An ADHD brain truly does function differently!

The 4 hot executive functions

Teens and children with impaired hot executive functioning face added difficulty in the following four areas:

Impulsivity – a tendency to act without thinking. In younger kids, it often translates into grabbing toys or interrupting sentences. In teens with ADHD, think of the above skateboard incident, reckless driving, or lying to cover up an undesired behavior.
Task switching – switching between tasks, shifting, or cognitive flexibility. In younger kids, it can be a temper tantrum when an unforeseen errand or schedule change occurs. In older kids, this often appears as difficulty managing time or prioritizing responsibilities.
Emotional dysregulation – a struggle with frustration, anger, social outbursts, and impulsive behavior. In younger kids with ADHD, you might see hitting, biting, and name-calling. In older kids, sheer defiance, cursing, and major outbursts.
Recruiting effort – overcoming procrastination and initiating tasks. In younger kids with ADHD, this may look like extreme difficulty getting dressed in the morning or preparing their schoolbag. In older kids, it may look like added difficulty cleaning their room, setting the table as asked, or tackling college applications.

Help! What’s a parent to do?

Understanding that your teen has ADHD and that their hot emotional functioning works differently is a crucial step in the process. Not every parent is aware of the neurocognitive difficulty, so well done on that front.

The next step is patience. You can’t change your child’s brain functioning. You can, however, teach. That’s what we at Pery are here for. To help join you on the journey with your child as you learn how to accommodate for disrupted executive functioning and patiently cheer you both on as your child acquires these new critical life skills.

Don’t miss out on our invaluable tips and tricks for mastering cold executive functions. Level up your skills and help you child conquer tasks like a pro. Check it out now!

Summary:

Hot executive emotions are behind the decisions we make when dealing with motivation or reward.
Brain development in children with ADHD is different, often leading to difficulty dealing with hot or intense emotions.
As a parent, you can help your child succeed by understanding the added difficulties and creating an ADHD-friendly environment in accordance.

March 14 2023

30% Calmer Evenings Start Here

All Posts, Daily Struggles

If your children have ADHD, your ability to plan, pinpoint or avoid tension points is vital to creating a calm evening. Here’s a practical guide to making your family’s evening less tense and more relaxed.

“We need to go; please put that down and get moving!”

“You still didn’t eat the dinner I put in front of you, and you’re going to be hungry.”

“Did you prepare the book report? We talked about this last week. It’s now due tomorrow!”

If your child has been diagnosed with ADHD, you’ve probably had similarly frustrating exchanges in your house. It’s common for evenings to be filled with tension over timing, scheduling and the day’s demands.

Here’s why.

Playtime. Meals. Baths.

During your child’s earliest years, adults managed their routine. Playtime. Meals. Baths.

The activities required time and care. But organizing the What? When? And How? did not require your child’s input.

Enter grade school and everything changes. Homework. Playdates. Afterschool activities. ‘Urgent’ school supplies. And, of course, “I want, I need, and I don’t feel like it.”

Children with ADHD have added difficulty organizing time, planning for obligations, and measuring consequences. As a parent, you can restore calm to your evening by helping your child overcome those difficulties.

Here’s how:

6 steps to calmer evenings

Spot the disaster zones
Plan it out
Gather family feedback
Ditch the non-essentials
Celebrate the wins
Optimize, rinse, repeat

1. Spot the disaster zones

Every family has disaster zones. The trick is to recognize them. Here are some common ones among families with ADHD:

Transitions – between child drop off and pick up, or from one activity to the next.

ADHD meds ‘rebound’ – as ADHD meds begin to wear off, your child may feel restless, have a lower frustration threshold, or become more aggressive.

Task overload – trying to jam too many tasks into an unrealistic amount of time.

‘Deadtime’ – without proper planning, too much child deadtime leads to frustration and bickering.

Manpower – depending on what’s going on, you may need another parent or babysitter to help with homework, play with your other child, etc.

2. Plan it out

Each week, plan on a calendar the out-of-the-ordinary obligations you and your children have for that particular week – dentist check-ups, birthday parties, etc. Then go day by day and structure each day’s logistics, allowing enough time for each activity to unfold calmly: school carpool, meal prep, dinner…Now take the weekly activities, and find the best way to incorporate them into your daily routine.

Make sure to advance shop for upcoming school events, stock up on birthday party gifts, and arrange carpooling help. The planning takes effort. But it’s well worth the calm you gain.

3. Gather family feedback

Kids are sharp. They have an eye for spotting the things we miss. They also like to be included in adult activities. So take the time to run the weekly schedule past your kids and gather their input.

I’ve tried this on my own children and was pleasantly surprised at their ability to add in errands I’d missed and suggest help from places I hadn’t thought about seeking it. They may also want to join you on errands you might have thought to squeeze in without them, providing you with extra manpower. The more you incorporate your family’s inputs, the more likely your schedule will suit your family’s needs and create a calmer evening for you.

4. Ditch the non-essentials

Ever have the evening go haywire because you just had to…organize the messy closet or restock the dwindling pet food supply? We’ve all fallen down that rabbit hole. It’s common to notice problem points and feel an urgent need to take care of them. But if your evening is already full, doing so will add unwanted chaos.

Instead, try to remember if it’s not on the schedule, it probably can wait. If you need to, grab a pen and slot it in time to deal with the problem later. Then stick to the schedule, and lean into the calm.

5. Celebrate the wins

We’ve said it before, and we’ll repeat it. The best way to encourage progress is to celebrate it. Verbally, with affection, and with treats (yes, bribery)! So go ahead, tell your child how proud you are of them for:

Taking Ollie for a walk
Charge their iPhone
Hanging their coat up

Then pat yourself on the back for a well-organized, calmer evening.

6. Optimize, rinse, repeat

When company teams launch a new product or run a campaign, they meet afterward to review and optimize results. What was the project’s ‘cost’ (time and money)? What worked, what didn’t, and why? Then they optimize.

What worked well in your home this week? What didn’t? Be analytical and forgiving about it. The point isn’t to blame. It’s to improve next week’s wins. Pinpoint three takeaways for next week, and then apply them to the schedule. Your evenings should start to go a lot smoother.

Did our advice work for you? We’d love to hear how it went. Comment below.

Summary

Afternoons in ADHD families pose a greater challenge due to organizational difficulties.
You can help make your evenings calmer by planning ahead
We’ve included 6 helpful planning suggestions. Check them out!

February 23 2023

Keep your cool. It’s the ADHD talking

All Posts, Daily Struggles

If your child has ADHD, performing school assignments and navigating social interactions comes with added challenges. Here’s why:

It’s morning. 7 am and the daily grind begins.

You wake the kids, hit the coffee drip, and put on your game face. Another day, another attempt at sending the kids off to school, and yourself off to work, in good spirits.

“Katy, if you’re not up and dressed in 15 minutes, you’ll miss your bus. Again.”

“Yes, I know where your socks are. They’re right where you left them 10 minutes ago.”

“Do you see the water dripping on the floor? Please pay attention to what you’re doing!

If you have an ADHD child, any or all of the above may sound familiar. Despite doing your best to remain calm and composed, morning send-offs often end with anger and frustration for both you and your child.

At best, your prompts go unheard and unfollowed. At worst, they’re met with cries of “I hate you,” “you don’t understand,” or “I’m not going to school.”

So, does it get any better?

The good news is, it most certainly can!

Given the right resources and coping mechanisms, your child can go on to lead a highly successful personal and professional life. And your daily routine can resume a calm, more pleasant atmosphere.

You’re Not Alone!

While it may feel like you’re navigating ADHD on your own, the truth is – you’re not.

About 8.8% of children and 2.5% of adults have ADHD

That means there is a world out there of equally frantic parents and children, all doing their best to navigate a tricky situation.

So what do you need to know to help your child?

It starts by really understanding them.

ADHD: The Science Behind It

Scientific research has shown differing levels of dopamine in children with ADHD than in comparison to those without. Neurotransmitters play an essential role in brain happiness and emotional control.

The impact? Kids with ADHD have shorter attention spans and added difficulty controlling their impulses. They may be hyperactive and have trouble with executive functioning or the ability to plan and juggle multiple tasks.

It is NOT because they are lazy or rebellious (yes, we’ve all thought that in our worst moments). And it’s not because you, as a parent, did a lousy job guiding them.

As a Parent, Make the Mental Switch

So, where does that leave you?

Well, it’s much easier to have compassion for your child if you understand what’s causing their behavior. It’s one thing to have a rebellious child that won’t go to school on time. It’s quite a different picture if you understand that your child has physiological difficulties making it hard for them to plan and organize their time.

To make that mental switch (and we know it’s a tough one), you really need to first get up close and personal with ADHD.

Common ADHD Difficulties

What exactly is it you and your child are up against? Here’s a list of common ADHD difficulties for you to be aware of and how they most commonly impact daily functioning.

Time management
Environmental distractions
Ongoing focus
Emotional regulation
Working memory difficulties
Impulse control

Time management

“I totally forgot it’s due tomorrow.”

Children with ADHD quickly lose focus and have difficulty managing several tasks. During their school years, this often translates into issues with:

Arriving on time for class each day
Preparing homework
Leaving reports for the last minute
Failure to study for tests in advance

Environmental distractions

“Look mom, it’s a bird!”

Environmental distractions are also a common problem. Rather than focusing on what’s said, children with ADHD are easily distracted by their thoughts or passing events. Practically speaking, it makes it hard to follow the teacher or even interact with friends during recess. Instead, ADHD kids often have a strong impulse to say what’s on their minds.

Ongoing focus

“I’m just going to get a snack.”

Sound familiar? Difficulty sticking to tasks is another common theme. Whether it’s cleaning their room, finishing their homework, or playing a game, your child is probably experiencing added difficulty staying on task. The long-term fallout of this is that they may start avoiding problematic ongoing tasks i.e. homework, in effort to ‘save’ you both frustration. For you, this translates into a constant tug of war.

Emotional regulation

“I hate you! You’re the worst.”

The struggle to manage their emotions and maintain positive interactions with peers comes with added difficulty for children with ADHD. It’s hard for them to hold in thoughts and emotions, or manage stressful situations. Without these necessary coping skills, they are far more likely to morph into a full out screaming and hitting nuclear meltdowns. Once your child calms down, they are likely to recognize their behavior and apologize for it. But that recognition also comes with added feelings of embarrassment and disappointment in themselves. And that can be rough for everyone.

Working memory difficulties

“But you never told me where it is.”

Recalling simple instructions is problematic for ADHD kids. They often forget the details of what they were told, making it difficult to work independently in class or follow the simple instructions you left. While the working memory difficulty is real, parents tend to interpret it as “my child is ignoring me” or “doesn’t care.”

Impulse control

“I didn’t know flying downhill would end with holes in my pants.”

Has your kid come home with holes in his pants when all the other kids came home with their pants in one piece? ADHD children have difficulty assessing consequences and risks, meaning they’ll often be the first to volunteer for activities that lead to injury. Activities that other kids had the ‘better judgment’ to steer clear of. It’s not because your child is bad. It’s because they have added difficulty calculating risk.

You’re Not Alone

As a parent, while dealing with the above may seem maddening at times, approaching your child with understanding and compassion can help them overcome some of their difficulties. Remember, they genuinely aren’t doing these things on purpose. They have a biological difficulty. Your child needs your help, and we’re here to support you in providing it.

Together, with the right resources, you and your child can succeed.

Summary

ADHD is a real biological difficulty.
ADHD children have problems with time management, impulsivity, distractions, & more
You can help your child lead a successful, fulfilling life. It starts with understanding what you’re up against